i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
