My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
babies were throwing up all over the place
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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