how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
