My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
