i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
