census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
