I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
