I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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