just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're a disaster
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