If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
