Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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