i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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