Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
