do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
