and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
