I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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