Plan B is the new Plan A
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
