I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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