This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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