the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
