I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
