i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
