yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's like God shit irony all over that family
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
