and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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