But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
