I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Randomize
