I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
