toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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