my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
