even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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