i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
