what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
