Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
not ubering you a puppy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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