So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
