did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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