My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
