Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
