I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
