I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
