I hate your face
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
