I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
