i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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