There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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