dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
