we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
