I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
