I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
