My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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