If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
