Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
